Big Girl Panties with a Side of Oxtails

My husband’s birthday was coming up and we had some very big plans. For years we had talked about going on a cruise. Since we live in Florida, we have access to some major cruising ports. Cruising in Florida is simple. Drive to a port. Get on a ship. Simple.  But we were making it more complicated than it needed to be.  It was mostly; we had excuses. Either I was working or he was working, and then there are the children. We have 4 children and 4 grandchildren. It is always someone’s birthday, or a holiday, or someone needs to be baby sat or taken somewhere. But I was done with excuses. One impulsive day, I whipped out my phone and booked us a cruise. I used my husband’s birthday as the reason. Our Set Sail date, as it is called in the “cruising” world, was getting close, and I was getting excited. And to top it all off, I hadn’t had my period in nine months. I was just about positive, that chapter in my life was closed. However, I continued to wear Poise pads. I graduated from Kotex to Poise pads when I developed the talent of sneezing and peeing at the same time. I figured I was killing two birds with one stone. If I sneezed, I was safe. If my period decided to return, I was prepared. Nevertheless, I was getting increasingly confident that I would not be wearing bulky pads while vacationing in the Bahamas. The period Witch was gone, and I was confident, gone for good. 

 My husband’s actual birthday was a few days before we drove to the Port of Miami for our cruise.  I decided to make him his favorite dinner to celebrate. I love to cook and he loves my Jamaican oxtails. But because oxtails can get pricey, I reserve this dish for special occasions. I had an intimate night planned for that man. First a delicious dinner, and then some alone time in the bedroom. I didn’t get him a present. The cruise was his present. But I wanted to make his day special so I was planning to give him the gift of me. 

While I was cooking, I decided to take a few pictures and some videos with my phone. A short little video of me stirring the oxtails. They looked amazing and smelled delicious. I used my big wooden spoon to scoop the oxtails to the surface, and stirred up the herbs and spices while taking the pictures and videos. The house was filled with the authentic scent of Jamaica. I took in a deep sniff of the aroma and- bam. A sneeze. Out of nowhere.  I put down my phone, squeezed my legs together, and penguin hobbled to the bathroom. I don’t usually wear my Poise pads when I am at home. I feel like I need to give myself some time to breathe down there. I ran to the bathroom and just about made it. It was a close call. I emptied my bladder, then wiped, then turned to flush the toilet but stopped dead in my tracks. I stared into the toilet in absolute shock. The period Witch came back. I started to cry. Are you kidding me?  All this time…. All-of-this-time! Nine whole months. I was devastated. I just sat there with my head in my hands and wept. 

After a bit, I pulled myself together and went back to stirring that man’s oxtails, wondering why I do all of these special things for him when he clearly never does anything special for me. But then, stopped myself.  That was the Witch talking. I tried to call my sister but she was still at work. I needed to talk to someone so I did the next best thing. I called my daughter. My daughter is 31 years old and has a life of her own. She has 4 children and a career and every day she calls me. Usually to vent about some aspects of her life that needed venting. But today, I needed to vent. After the first ring, she picks up. I told her my devastating news, waiting for an empathetic response. My daughter is a 1^st grade teacher and highly educated. She is in her 3^rd year of teaching and has been nominated for a Golden Apple Award. She put herself through college while raising her children and is an all-around delight to have as a daughter. In times like this, I rely on her insight to keep me calm. As she begins to speak, I am almost certain she will say something that will remedy the situation.  She replies, “ Well that sucks.” I roll my eyes and demand something better. My cruise is ruined. I waited all my life to go on the-Love Boat, and now the period Witch has completely ruined it. I wanted my daughter to be devastated with me and for me. But she isn’t. She’s acting reasonable, which was not what I was needing at that moment.  She tells me to calm down and says “mom, just get some period panties.” What? Period panties? Is that a thing? I have never heard of these before. She tells me to get them on Amazon. I hang up on her and begin to scroll through Amazon. I type in Period Panties. Low and behold, there they are. But they were not very attractive. So, I type in, Sexy, Period Panties. And holy smokes. They have them. But because I am the type that likes to kill two birds with one stone, I type in, Sexy Tummy Tucker Period Panties. And there they were. My beautiful new panties. I am a Prime member so after a few taps on my phone, my panties were boxed and shipped and set for delivery the next afternoon. I feel like the situation is under control and life can go on. Unfortunately for my husband, he would not be getting his birthday dessert that night. 

The next day, I happened to be walking past the laundry room window when I spotted the Amazon van pulling up in our driveway. I ran right out of the door. I thanked the driver as I yanked the package out of his hand. I needed to see these panties for myself. I apologized to him for being in such a rush and told him I had a pie in the oven. He said something in reply, but I didn’t pay it any attention. I ran straight to my bedroom and began tearing at the cardboard box. The panties were in a plastic baggy. I tore that open too. Then proceeded to unfold the panties. By the time I finished unfolding these panties, I could have used them as a bath towel. They were the biggest underpants I had ever seen. I grabbed my phone and called my daughter. I told her that the underpants arrived and they were humungous. She asked me- Exactly, what did you order mom? I told her that I ordered Sexy, Tummy Tucker Period Panties. She started laughing and forced me to take a picture of what Amazon considered to be- sexy tummy tucking- and send it to her immediately.  I laid the panties out on my bedroom floor, and so she could get the full effect of how big these panties were, I took the picture with my foot beside them. I sent it through messenger, and I heard an- OH MY GAWD- through the phone. She is hysterically laughing and reminding me how enormous they were. I cannot wear these on the ship. I would be better off with my tampons and bulky Kotex. 

The next day at work, one of my male co-workers asked me how my oxtail dinner was and if I had brought in any leftovers. One thing we all have in common at my job is our love for food. He is a younger man. More of a boy. All of my co-workers are young. That is what happens when you get old. Everyone else seems to be young. I told him that my husband had finished off the entire pot and there was not one piece of evidence left of his birthday dinner. I pulled out my phone and scrolled to the video of me stirring the pot of oxtails. I wanted him to see what a fantastic cook I was. I may be old but there are some things us old gals can do.  He took the phone out of my hand and watched the video. He seemed impressed. Another of my co-workers walked by and began to peek over his shoulder. He is Jamaican, with a Jamaican accent. I studied his expressions as he watched the video, hoping to get his Jamaican approval. He said, “Damn girl, those look amazing!”  My insides were beaming.  They both hovered over the video and replayed it to get a better look. The younger of the two went to hand me back my phone but then paused for a second and pulled it back. He held it up closer to his face and used his fingers to enlarge the picture. I assumed he was trying to get a better look at all of the authentic Jamaican spices I used, melding together in one big pot. He stared at the phone, then glanced down at me, then turned his head to look at the Jamaican co-worker. They both looked at each other, paused and simultaneously, burst out laughing. “Are these your underwear?” Oh my God. The picture. I forgot it was in my phone. They must have scrolled to the left.  I jumped up from my desk and grabbed my phone out of his hand. The Jamaican man in his Jamaican accent laughs out “Those are the biggest panties I have ever seen, girl!”  He is laughing, obnoxiously hard and really loud and I become extremely irritated. I told them that they weren’t my underwear and they came in the mail by mistake. But, the two of them just continued to laugh and I could feel my face getting red. I rolled my eyes and walked away. This is what happens when you work with kids.  

Our cruise was amazing and the period Witch behaved herself. The Witch was hardly there at all. It was a light period, and I was able to enjoy all of the activities on the ship without wearing a bulky Kotex. As for my child-like co-workers, they now refer to me as the lady who wears the Big Girl Panties.

-Desiree